Borrowing Our Calm: A Guide for BC Parents Navigating the Weight of Tumbler Ridge

 

When something violent happens in our province, even if it is hours away, it lands close to home. News moves quickly. Among school-aged children, it moves even faster. Last night, our teenager came into our room visibly shaken. She had heard from friends that there had been a school shooting in BC. She was scared not just about the event itself, but about the weight of it. Was it true? And, is this now the kind of thing that happens here? Her circles were proposing all kinds of theories about the shooter and the details, most of which had not yet been confirmed or released. It was a reminder of how quickly fear spreads socially, especially among children, and how rapidly speculation can amplify threat. Her fear, and mine, were real.

That moment reinforced something research has consistently shown. Humans do not only respond to events. They respond to the social reactions surrounding events. School-aged children use these conversations to process their fear and to make sense of the senseless. Her friends weren’t just sharing details for the sake of drama; they were trying to find the boundaries of a new, scarier reality. In the absence of clear information, brains fill in the gaps with worse-case scenarios. The question for parents is not whether to talk about what happened in Tumbler Ridge, but how to do so in a way that acknowledges and validates all of the emotions that come with events like this, while concurrently restoring a sense of safety in the present moment for our families.

 

Start with Yourself

Before we say anything, our kids are already reading us. If we are anxious, glued to the news, or speaking in alarmed tones, they feel it. This is not to say you have to pretend you are unaffected. What happened is profound and bound to shake us. It helps, though, to settle yourself first. Step away from the media. Take some breaths while reminding your system that you are safe, and only if true, that your children right here, right now, are safe. Acknowledge and validate to your own nervous system that this level of vulnerability is scary and that may leave you feeling very rattled and unsteady.

Acknowledge and validate your own grief and heartbreak for the families of those affected and for the community of Tumbler Ridge. You might need to allow your own tears to fall. When we allow our systems to feel the grief and name it for what it is, we are helping our brains file the event as a tragic moment in time, rather than a constant looming threat. Allowing our emotions that match the current circumstance, prevents them from building up and coming up later in unhelpful ways. Our kids borrow their sense of safety from us.

We want to bring a sense of safety back to our nervous systems. As emotions move, be intentional to pause shaming language against yourself like, ‘I need to get it together for my kids’, ‘I’m too sensitive’, etc. Of course you would be feeling an increased sense of vulnerability, fear, grief, and anger as a result of this. And in the present moment, the immediate threat to life has stopped. We want to help our system take that information in, to truly take it in. So take some breaths and following your validation of your emotion, take some breaths. Remind yourself that you and your children are safe. Right now, in the present moment. You’re safe.

When we are regulated, we can offer what is known as co-regulation. This is essentially the process of using our sincere calm to help quiet their storm. If we rush into the room with our own hearts racing, we unintentionally confirm their suspicion that the world is currently unravelling. If we take the time to pause, take a deep breath, and speak slowly, we send a physical signal to their brain that while something bad has happened elsewhere, the immediate environment, this home, and this conversation, is a place where it is safe and they can let their guard down.

 

The Social Nature of Trauma

Trauma research highlights that the impact of a crisis is not just an individual experience locked inside one person’s head. It is a social experience. Humans are hardwired to look at the people around us to figure out if we should stay in fight or flight mode, and if we cannot fight or flight, we may become activated on the inside but feel paralyzed and stuck. Eventually we may just become numb as a way for our systems to cope with the overwhelm. Our systems need to know if it is safe to relax. This is particularly true for adolescents, whose world is affected by their social groups.

When a community like Tumbler Ridge experiences a tragedy, the impact ripples through the social fabric of the entire province. For kids, this ripple effect is amplified by social media. They aren’t just seeing the news; they are seeing their peers’ panic in real time through Discord, Snapchat, and TikTok. This creates a feedback loop of anxiety. As parents, we need to recognize that our primary role is to act as a social regulator. We provide the grounded, quiet environment that allows their nervous system to settle back down. We are the counter-weight to digital noise. We aren’t trying to delete the digital noise; we are providing the quiet that proves the noise isn’t the whole story.

 

The Conversation: Listening without Fixing

Out of our own care and protection for our child, it can be tempting to jump in with a long list of reasons why they are safe, or to immediately debunk or shame the rumors they have heard. However, doing so can accidentally send the message that their feelings are wrong or that they aren’t being taken seriously. It can unintentionally tell them you are not the right person to speak to about big things. It is not uncommon to want to fix the feeling immediately because seeing our children in distress, and being helpless to fix it, is painful for us. But the emotion usually needs to be felt and acknowledged before it can be moved through. When you start the conversation, ask what they have heard and what they are thinking about it.

When you listen without jumping in to correct them, you are creating a safe container for their whole experience. You might discover they aren’t as worried about the event itself as they are about a specific “what if” scenario they saw in a group chat, or perhaps a friend who lives in a nearby town. If a child is in that ‘paralyzed’ or numb state, they might not have many words. In those cases, just sitting with them in the quiet is its own form of listening.

Validation is a key part of how the brain processes these moments. When we acknowledge a child’s fear as being a logical response to scary news, we help their brain move the experience from being stuck and cycling. This process of naming and acknowledging the feeling helps the brain integrate the experience, filing it away as something that has happened, rather than something that is currently threatening them. By letting them talk first, you see the map of their fear. Once you know what the specific fear is, you can gently correct the misinformation without overwhelming them.

 

Navigating the “What Ifs” and Containing the Conversation

When your child brings a specific fear or a hard question to you, your primary goal is to act as a safe container for their emotions. It is natural for the conversation to drift inwards to their own safety or outwards wanting to find someone to blame. Sometimes our brains try to think our way out of a problem to avoid the heavy, uncomfortable emotions of the moment. It’s a smart survival strategy, but it can keep us stuck in a loop. By acknowledging the feelings and then gently steering the focus away from these big, unanswerable questions, we give them the space they need to actually feel the sadness or fear, which is how the nervous system integrates and moves through it.

When your teenager brings up “what if” scenarios, they are often testing their own internal compass. At this age, a simple “you’re safe” can feel dismissive. Instead, we want to help them acknowledge that while the world contains risks, there is a difference between High-Alert Scanning, where the brain is searching for a threat in every corner, and Informed Intuition.

 

When they are hyper-focused on “What if it happens here?”:

• For Children: “I hear how heavy that thought is. It makes sense that you’re thinking about your own school. There are many adults, from your teachers to the people in this house, whose job it is to focus on the big safety plans so you don’t have to carry that weight yourself. We want you to have the space to be a kid.”
• For Teens: “I hear that you’re scanning for exits and watching the door. That is your brain’s natural survival instinct, and it’s a valuable skill to be aware of your surroundings. But right now, that instinct is shouting in a place that is currently safe. Let’s acknowledge that your ‘radar’ is working, but see if we can dial it down a bit while we’re here. What is one thing in this room that helps your system know its safe and helps your body feel like it can settle?”

When they feel they can’t trust the environment:

• For Children: “Sometimes when something big happens, it makes the whole world feel shaky. You might notice your tummy feeling tight or your heart beating fast. That is your body’s way of trying to keep you safe, it’s like a built-in alarm. It’s a good thing to have that alarm, but right now it’s working overtime while we are safe at home. Let’s do something to help your body feel steady again.”
• For Teens: “It’s hard when a tragedy makes the world feel unpredictable. You’re learning to trust your gut, and that’s important. Trusting your gut isn’t about being afraid all the time; it’s about knowing you have the ability to notice when something is actually off. Right now, we are in the ‘recovery zone.’ We don’t have to solve the ‘why’ to know that our job today is to let our nervous systems rest so those instincts stay sharp for when we actually need them.”

When the conversation shifts to speculation or searching for a “reason”:

• For Children: “It makes sense that you want to know ‘why’. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn’t feel right. There are a lot of people guessing right now, but even the best guesses don’t usually help the heavy feeling in our bodies settle. It’s okay if we don’t have the answers yet. We can let the experts investigate while we focus on taking care of each other.”
• For Teens: “There is a lot of noise and a lot of people trying to make sense of things by guessing. But those guesses don’t usually help our hearts feel more settled. Let’s step away from the ‘why’ for a moment and just acknowledge that this feels really sad and scary. It’s okay to just feel that without having to solve it right now.”

When they feel the “weight” of the tragedy’s unfairness:

• For Children: “It is heavy, and you’re right—what happened isn’t okay. It makes sense to feel really angry or upset. We don’t have to have all the answers or find someone to blame to acknowledge that this just hurts. Let’s step away from the big questions for a few minutes. I’m going to make some tea and head outside for a walk—I’d love for you to come with me so we can both help our bodies feel a little more steady.”
• For Teens: “It feels fundamentally wrong, and it’s okay to sit with that anger or sadness. When we experience something this unfair, our brains try to find a person or a ‘reason’ to hold accountable because it gives us a temporary sense of control. But staying in that space of blame keeps your nervous system braced for a fight, which is exhausting. It’s okay to pause and let your body recover. Let’s do something physical, or use your breath to remind your system that you aren’t under threat in this moment.”

 

The Importance of Transition and Grounding

A lot of focus is placed on how we transition from a state of high alert back to a state of peace. When kids hear about a school shooting, their brains move into a survival mindset. They begin scanning their own hallways for exits and looking at classmates with suspicion. This is an exhausting state for a child to live in.

To help them transition back to feeling like a student again, we need to use grounding techniques. These are simple, physical actions that pull the brain out of the what-if of the future and back into the what-is of the present:

• Unplug: Encourage them to put the phone away for a few hours. The constant ping of notifications acts like a repetitive alarm bell for the brain.
• Physical Activity: Going for a walk, playing with a pet, or even just doing some heavy lifting like carrying groceries helps the body process the adrenaline that comes with fear. For a child who has become numb or shut down, these physical activities are a gentle way to wake up the system.
• Routine: Maintain your family routines. Consistency is a powerful signal of safety. If Tuesday is taco night, have taco night. It tells the child’s brain that despite the tragedy elsewhere, their immediate world is stable.

 

Validating the “It shouldn’t happen here” Feeling

There is a specific kind of secondary trauma that happens when a safe place feels violated. In BC, we often tell ourselves that small, remote towns like Tumbler Ridge are immune to the problems of the wider world. When that belief is challenged, it leaves us all feeling exposed. It is okay to tell your kids that you are angry or sad that this happened in our province. Validating that this isn’t how things are supposed to be helps them feel less alone in their confusion. We don’t have to have all the answers for why violence happens; sometimes, the most honest and grounding thing a parent can say is that while we don’t know why this happened, we do know that we are together, and we are going to keep looking out for one another.

 

Look for the Helpers

Following the lead of many trauma-informed educators, we should eventually redirect our children’s attention to the response. It is important that this happens only after their own emotions have been heard and their physical sense of safety has been grounded. Talk about the first responders who arrived in Tumbler Ridge within minutes. Talk about the teachers who followed their training to keep students safe and the mental health professionals who move into the community to help families heal. This shifts the narrative from a single act of violence to the massive, collective act of care that follows. Focusing on the professionals, the teachers, first responders, and counsellors, reminds our children that there is a massive network of capable adults whose job it is to hold the weight of this tragedy. This allows our kids to let go of the need to ‘fix’ things or care for their peers, and gives them permission to simply focus on their own healing. It reminds them that the social reaction to trauma isn’t just fear; it is also deep, compassionate support.

 

Prioritize Connection over Conversation

While the words we use are important, our physical presence often speaks significantly louder than any explanation we can offer. In the aftermath of a province-wide tragedy, your child may not always need a deep heart-to-heart or a long discussion; often, they simply need the quiet reassurance of your proximity. 

This is a time to lean into low-pressure ways of being together, such as sitting on the couch while they watch a show, sharing a longer-than-usual hug, or engaging in a simple task like a puzzle that doesn’t require direct eye contact. When we prioritize being “with” them in these quiet, tangible ways, we are reinforcing the most vital message of all: that they are not alone. This felt sense of belonging and closeness tells the nervous system that their primary circle of safety is intact and strong. It is this consistent, physical signal of being “together” that eventually allows the high-alert survival brain to finally let go of its guard and step back into a state of rest.

 

Moving Forward Together

Talking about Tumbler Ridge isn’t a one-and-done conversation. When our daughter came into our room that night, it was just the beginning of a process. Over the next few days, keep an eye on their behavior. Are they struggling to sleep? Are they more irritable than usual? These are often physical signs of stress and processed emotion, not just bad behavior.

Be patient with them and with yourself. We are all processing this together. By staying grounded, keeping our information sources reliable, and focusing on the social bonds that make our families strong, we provide the best possible shield for our children’s mental health. We are teaching them that while we cannot control every event in the world, we can control how we care for one another in the aftermath.

By moving through these steps in order—settling ourselves first, listening deeply to them, grounding in the tangible present, and eventually looking at the community response—we help their brains move from a state of threat to a state of resilience. Just like that moment in our bedroom last night, we are proving to them that safety isn’t found in having all the answers, but in the fact that they never have to carry the weight of the world alone.

 

Support Resources in BC

If you or your child need more immediate or specialized support, these BC-wide resources are available 24/7:

• BC Crisis Line: Call 310-6789 (no area code needed) for emotional support and crisis intervention.
• Kelty Mental Health Resource Centre: Expert advice for families navigating mental health challenges. Call 1-800-665-1822.
• Foundry BC: Offers young people (ages 12-24) and their families free, confidential health and wellness support. foundrybc.ca

VictimLinkBC: For immediate support and information if you are feeling personally impacted by the violence. Call or text 1-800-563-0808.