Couples Counselling

Can individuals or agencies refer someone to couples therapy?

Individuals and agencies alike have the ability to refer someone to couples therapy. Whether it’s a direct self-referral or a referral made by a family member, the process is open and accessible. Additionally, external agencies and professionals can also initiate referrals, ensuring that the support reaches those who need it. This flexibility ensures that barriers to accessing couples therapy are minimized, allowing more people to engage with the help they seek.

What opportunities does couples therapy provide for enhancing relationship satisfaction and fulfillment?

Opportunities for Enhancing Relationship Satisfaction and Fulfillment Through Couples Therapy

Couples therapy offers a structured opportunity to build emotional accessibility, emotional responsiveness and emotional engagement so that you can explore your needs, and wants and build dreams together for your future. In doing this, you deepen emotional connections, rebuild trust, and develop healthier communication patterns.

Identifying and expressing attachment needs, and fostering secure emotional bonds enhance intimacy and satisfaction (Johnson, 2008). Therapy also helps couples break negative interaction cycles and replace them with mutual understanding and empathy. Couples therapy provides a unique opportunity to break free from unhealthy patterns of frustration and resentment that may have developed over time.

Couples learn to recognize and express underlying emotions that may be driving conflict, transforming these emotions into deeper connection and personal growth (Greenberg & Goldman, 2008). Emotional engagement promotes your ability o regain understanding and closeness so that you can rediscover the bond that brought you together.

Identifying harmful patterns—such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—and replacing them with positive communication techniques like emotional attunement (Gottman & Silver, 2015) can build emotional connection and fulfilling relationships.

What benefits can couples experience from therapy in terms of interaction and communication?

In couples counselling, we support you to build emotional accessibility, emotional responsiveness, and emotional engagement into your relationship, so that ultimately you can explore your needs, wants, and build dreams together for your future.

Beyond this, therapy provides a supportive environment where you can address patterns of interaction and communication. It’s a place to focus on underlying needs, expectations, perceptions, and feelings. By examining these elements, couples can identify and transform unhealthy patterns of frustration and resentment that have developed over time.

Through this transformative process, couples often regain a sense of understanding and closeness. This renewed connection serves as a foundation for nurturing a more fulfilling relationship—one where both partners feel heard and valued.

Ultimately, couples therapy becomes a journey toward a deeper emotional connection, paving the way for shared goals and dreams.

What Underlying Factors Does Couples Therapy Focus On?

Couples therapy addresses emotional, relational, and behavioral dynamics that contribute to relationship dissatisfaction. Attachment needs, such as emotional safety and connection, which underlie many relational conflicts, is often an underlying factor (Johnson, 2008). When these needs go unmet, couples often develop negative cycles of behavior, such as withdrawal or criticism. Counselling helps partners recognize these cycles and respond with vulnerability and empathy, deepening emotional bonds.

Therapy also helps clients to identify destructive patterns—like defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling—and focuses on replacing them with more helpful patterns, such as emotional attunement and constructive communication (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Unexpressed emotions can at times be driving conflict, and counselling helps couples access these emotions and transform them into opportunities for connection and understanding (Greenberg & Goldman, 2008).

Additionally, contemporary research shows that shared meaning-making—the process of creating shared goals and values as a couple—plays a key role in sustaining long-term relational satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Couples therapy provides tools to develop these shared narratives, promoting mutual understanding and relational growth. By addressing emotional needs, interaction patterns, and meaning-making, couples therapy offers a path toward more fulfilling, resilient relationships.

References:

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power.

How Does Therapy Help with Existing Communication Patterns?

Couples therapy helps partners identify and shift unhelpful communication patterns that create conflict, distance, or defensiveness. It can help identify problematic cycles such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, which often lead to emotional disconnection (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Therapy provides tools to disrupt these patterns and introduces more helpful alternatives, such as emotional attunement, and active listening, and teaches repair strategies that promote trust.

Another important way it helps with existing communication patterns is it helps couples to uncover emotional triggers that drive negative interactions. By recognizing these patterns, partners learn to express vulnerability rather than react defensively, deepening empathy and understanding (Johnson, 2008). As trust and safety build in the relationship, couples can explore and express hidden emotions that drive conflict, enabling them to engage authentically with each other (Greenberg & Goldman, 2008).

Therapy not only helps couples break harmful cycles but also strengthens existing helpful communication patterns, such as expressing appreciation, validating each other’s emotions, and offering support. Over time, reinforcing these healthy habits fosters resilience, emotional intimacy, and long-term satisfaction in the relationship.

References:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power.

How can therapy help couples who experience frustration and resentment?

At Lavender Counselling, we understand that frustration and resentment can build over time in relationships and can create barriers that feel insurmountable. This creates ongoing emotional distance. Couples therapy offers a safe space to address these challenges by helping partners uncover their underlying needs and the emotions driving conflict.

Couples explore how unmet emotional needs (Johnson, 2008), and feeling unacknowledged or disconnected from each other (Perel, 2024) fuels ongoing resentment and frustration. Recurring negative communication patterns—such as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—contribute to ongoing feelings of resentment.

Partners learn to express these feelings vulnerably, replacing defensive reactions with emotional responsiveness (Johnson, 2008). Therapy provides tools to shift these behaviors toward emotional attunement and repair, helping couples engage in constructive conversations (Gottman & Silver, 2015) and create an environment where both partners feel seen and understood.

Couples therapy can resolve immediate conflict but it can also reinforce helpful habits such as expressing appreciation, active listening, and validating emotions. Through this work, couples can rebuild trust, develop healthier patterns, and create a more resilient, satisfying relationship.

References:

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Perel, E. (2024). What Couples Therapy Can Teach Us About Conflict in Relationships.

How does therapy address relationship dynamics?

Therapy addresses relationship dynamics by exploring the emotional patterns and underlying needs that influence interactions between partners. When attachment needs go unmet, couples can fall into reactive cycles of blame, defensiveness, or withdrawal, contributing to feelings of frustration, resentment, and disconnection (Johnson, 2008; Hendrix & Hunt, 2005). Therapy helps partners recognize these patterns, fostering awareness of how their behaviors might stem from past emotional wounds or unmet expectations. By guiding couples to express emotions more vulnerably, therapy creates opportunities for partners to respond to each other with empathy and connection, rather than defensiveness or criticism (Gottman & Silver, 2015; Greenberg & Goldman, 2008).

Communication issues often arise when partners unknowingly recreate familiar relational patterns rooted in early life experiences. Therapy allows couples to reframe these interactions, encouraging them to shift from blame to mutual support by acknowledging each other’s emotional needs (Hendrix & Hunt, 2005). This process builds trust and strengthens relational bonds. Additionally, partners learn to recognize the impact of power dynamics and unmet needs for respect and recognition, which are often at the heart of resentment and conflict (Perel, 2017).

By teaching constructive communication techniques, such as repair attempts and emotional attunement, therapy helps couples foster trust and emotional resilience, paving the way for long-term relationship fulfillment. At Lavender Counselling, we help couples break unproductive cycles, deepen their connection, and replace reactive behaviors with intentional, meaningful interactions, creating a foundation for lasting intimacy and growth.

References:

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2005). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

What are the potential outcomes of couple’s therapy?

Couples therapy offers a space for partners to transform their relationship by identifying and shifting unproductive patterns, improving communication, and fostering emotional connection. For these changes to occur, both partners must be willing to engage with the process and make meaningful changes. Research shows that a lack of mutual participation can hinder progress, as sustainable relationship growth relies on both individuals being committed to self-reflection and change (Gottman & Silver, 2015; Hendrix & Hunt, 2005).

When both partners actively participate, they learn to replace destructive behaviors—such as criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal—with healthier patterns like empathy, emotional attunement, and repair attempts (Gottman & Silver, 2015). This shift helps rebuild trust, emotional resilience, and intimacy, resulting in deeper satisfaction and relational well-being.

Therapy also addresses unresolved emotional wounds from the relationship or personal history, encouraging partners to express their needs vulnerably rather than reacting defensively. By working through these emotions together, couples foster mutual understanding and develop a more secure emotional bond (Johnson, 2008; Greenberg & Goldman, 2008).

In addition to building connection, therapy helps couples develop shared meaning and align on values, reducing resentment and strengthening their partnership (Perel, 2017). However, if partners discover through therapy that they are not compatible long-term, therapy offers a path toward respectful separation. In these cases, both partners benefit from gaining clarity and closure, allowing them to part ways with mutual respect and emotional growth (Perel, 2017).

At Lavender Counselling, we emphasize the importance of both partners being open to change, as even small shifts in behavior can make a significant difference. Whether couples leave therapy with a stronger bond or decide to separate, the process ensures they move forward with greater clarity, intentionality, and emotional well-being.

References:

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2005). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

What can therapy help couples achieve?

Couples therapy provides a structured space to help partners improve their emotional connection, strengthen communication, and build deeper trust. Through therapy, couples can learn to identify unproductive patterns—such as criticism, defensiveness, and withdrawal—and replace them with positive behaviors like empathy, repair attempts, and emotional attunement (Gottman & Silver, 2015). This shift allows couples to reduce conflict, foster trust, and communicate more effectively.

Therapy also helps partners explore and address unresolved emotional wounds and relational challenges. By working through these issues, couples develop deeper self-awareness and relational insight, transforming difficult moments into opportunities for personal and relational growth (Greenberg & Goldman, 2008). Additionally, therapy promotes the alignment of shared values and the creation of meaning in the relationship, helping couples build a stronger foundation for long-term satisfaction (Perel, 2017).

While many couples leave therapy with enhanced emotional intimacy and stronger relational bonds, therapy also supports couples who may discover they are not compatible. In these cases, therapy provides a safe space to navigate separation with mutual respect and closure, ensuring both partners can move forward with clarity (Johnson, 2008; Perel, 2017).

At Lavender Counselling, we support couples in achieving these outcomes, helping them enhance connection, resolve conflict, and build relational well-being—whether through deepening their bond or finding respectful closure.

References:

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

Why do couples typically seek therapy?

Couples seek therapy for many reasons, often rooted in emotional disconnection, conflict, or the desire for deeper intimacy. Therapy provides a space for partners to explore and address challenges that can erode connection or strain the relationship over time. Research shows that couples turn to therapy for both crisis intervention and relational maintenance.

1. Crisis Intervention and Repair

Many couples seek therapy in the wake of significant crises, such as infidelity, betrayal, or sudden life changes. These events often disrupt emotional trust, leaving couples feeling disconnected and overwhelmed (Johnson, 2008). Therapy helps partners rebuild trust and heal emotional wounds, offering structured guidance to navigate crises and restore connection (Perel, 2017).

2. Ongoing Conflict and Emotional Distance

Persistent conflict, resentment, or emotional distance can create destructive interaction patterns that become difficult to resolve without external support (Gottman & Silver, 2015). Unmet attachment needs, as identified in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), often fuel these conflicts, making it essential to address underlying emotional triggers (Johnson, 2008). Therapy provides tools to identify and shift these patterns, fostering healthier communication and emotional closeness (Greenberg & Goldman, 2008).

3. Strengthening Emotional Bonds

Some couples pursue therapy not to address crises but to enhance an already strong relationship. Therapy can offer new skills to deepen emotional intimacy, improve communication, and build shared meaning within the relationship (Perel, 2017). Partners may explore ways to develop emotional attunement and create habits that sustain connection over time (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

4. Navigating Major Life Decisions

Couples often seek therapy during transitional periods—such as deciding to marry, start a family, relocate, or change careers. These moments involve complex emotions and expectations, which can lead to disagreement or misalignment. Therapy offers a space for partners to explore their individual and shared goals, align their values, and make collaborative decisions (Hendrix & Hunt, 2005).

5. Preventing Future Problems and Growth Through Change

While many couples seek therapy in response to challenges, others use it proactively to maintain relational well-being and prevent future issues. Research suggests that therapy can help partners recognize personal growth opportunities within the relationship and develop habits that nurture emotional safety (Johnson, 2008; Greenberg & Goldman, 2008). However, therapy may also reveal that some couples are not compatible for the long term. In these cases, it provides a framework for respectful separation and closure, helping both partners move forward with clarity and mutual respect (Perel, 2017).

At Lavender Counselling, we help couples address these concerns by providing personalized support that aligns with each couple’s unique challenges. Whether you seek to resolve conflict, rebuild trust, or strengthen your emotional connection, therapy offers insights and tools tailored to your journey.

References:

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Greenberg, L. S., & Goldman, R. N. (2008). Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2005). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

What Types of Relationship Patterns Might Lead to Therapy?

Couples often seek therapy to address persistent relational patterns that disrupt emotional intimacy, trust, and communication. Research highlights several patterns that can contribute to ongoing challenges and push couples to seek professional support.

1. Negative Interaction Cycles

Patterns of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewallin are common indicators of relational distress. These behaviors escalate conflict and reduce emotional safety, making it hard for partners to engage in constructive conversations (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

2. Pursuer-Withdrawer Dynamics

In many relationships, one partner may demand closeness while the other withdraws, creating a cycle of pursuit and avoidance. This dynamic, leaves both partners feeling disconnected and frustrated. Therapy helps them recognize emotional triggers and respond to each other with vulnerability, fostering reconnection (Johnson, 2008).

3. Power Imbalances and Resentment

When relational power is uneven—whether through decision-making or emotional control—one or both partners may feel overlooked, leading to resentment. Unmet emotional needs can lead to frustration, and negatively impact intimacy and satisfaction (Perel, 2017). Therapy works to rebalance these dynamics by promoting mutual respect and shared decision-making.

4. Betrayal and Trust Issues

Betrayal—such as infidelity—often creates deep emotional wounds. Rebuilding trust requires time, and couples must engage in open communication, and accountability. Therapy provides a space to process these emotions, helping couples decide whether to repair the relationship or part ways respectfully (Glass, 2003).

5. Emotional Abuse and Controlling Dynamics

Relational patterns involving emotional abuse or coercive control can also lead couples to seek therapy. These dynamics can erode a partner’s sense of self and well-being. Therapy helps individuals recognize unhealthy patterns, restore emotional safety, and explore options for healing—whether through relational repair or separation (Cory & McAndless-Davis, 2008).

6. Life Transitions and External Stressors

Major life changes—such as the birth of a child, job relocations, or health issues—can shift relational roles and add stress, sometimes leaving partners feeling misaligned. Therapy offers couples the tools to navigate these transitions collaboratively by clarifying values and expectations (Hendrix & Hunt, 2005; Wittenborn & Holtrop, 2022).

At Lavender Counselling, we assist couples in identifying these relational patterns, helping them develop healthier ways of relating, whether by repairing connection, addressing unresolved conflicts, or navigating separation. Therapy offers the opportunity to foster growth, build trust, and enhance long-term relational well-being.

References:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Glass, S. (2003). Not “Just Friends”.

Cory, J., & McAndless-Davis, K. (2008). When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2005). Getting the Love You Want.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

Wittenborn, A. K., & Holtrop, K. (2022). Evidence Base Update on the Efficacy and Effectiveness of Couple and Family Interventions.

Can therapy be used for relationship enhancement, not just problem-solving?

Yes, couples therapy can be a powerful tool for relationship enhancement, not just a means to solve conflicts. Partners can use therapy proactively to strengthen emotional bonds, improve communication, and cultivate deeper intimacy, even when no major issues are present. Therapy promotes emotional security by enhancing partners’ ability to express needs and emotions openly, which helps maintain intimacy and prevent future conflicts (Johnson, 2008; Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Research shows that therapy helps couples cultivate positive habits, such as expressing appreciation, engaging in emotional attunement, and developing rituals of connection. These practices foster relational growth and prevent stagnation by building shared meaning and sustaining long-term satisfaction (Gottman & Silver, 2015; Perel, 2017).

Therapy can also encourage partners to explore new dimensions of intimacy and connection, helping them remain curious and engaged throughout their relationship. This process strengthens emotional resilience, ensuring that small challenges do not escalate into larger conflicts (Perel, 2017). Additionally, by identifying and healing emotional wounds, therapy equips couples to better understand each other’s triggers and develop empathy, enhancing both personal and relational well-being (Hendrix & Hunt, 2005).

At Lavender Counselling, we help couples use therapy to not only solve problems but to build relationships that continue to grow and thrive. Whether through improved communication, shared values, or deepened intimacy, therapy provides tools to cultivate a fulfilling and lasting partnership.

References:

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2005). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.

Wittenborn, A. K., & Holtrop, K. (2022). Evidence Base Update on the Efficacy and Effectiveness of Couple and Family Interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

Do couples only seek therapy when they are in trouble?

Couples therapy isn’t just for relationships in crisis—it can also serve as a proactive tool for enhancing emotional connection, improving communication, and building long-term satisfaction. Many couples engage in therapy to develop positive relationship habits before challenges arise, helping them maintain intimacy and prevent conflict (Gottman & Silver, 2015; Johnson, 2008).

Therapy offers a space for navigating major life transitions, such as marriage, parenthood, or relocation, which can create new relational stress (Wittenborn & Holtrop, 2022). Partners may also seek therapy to align their long-term goals and strengthen relational resilience, improving how they manage change and uncertainty together (Hendrix & Hunt, 2005).

Couples who already share a strong bond often turn to therapy to deepen emotional intimacy or explore new ways of fostering closeness. Preventive therapy builds relational skills—such as emotional regulation and conflict resolution—allowing couples to address potential challenges before they become significant issues (Perel, 2017).

At Lavender Counselling, we emphasize that couples therapy isn’t just about problem-solving—it’s also about growth, connection, and preparing for the future. Whether partners want to rebuild trust, enhance intimacy, or proactively strengthen their relationship, therapy provides valuable tools and strategies for long-term success.

References:

Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.

Hendrix, H., & Hunt, H. L. (2005). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.

Wittenborn, A. K., & Holtrop, K. (2022). Evidence Base Update on the Efficacy and Effectiveness of Couple and Family Interventions. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.